Weird.

Weird. That’s how my life feels right now. I ended my marriage back in July…but he has yet to find somewhere to live. Everyday is pretty much the same as it was for the last 12 odd years, except he now sleeps on the lounge. But even that isn’t that different. One of the many., many, MANY issues we had is he would rarely come to bed with me. He would stay up all night watching movies and then eventually pass out on the lounge. He still cooks dinner. We still talk and joke. He still comes in and talks to me while I’m in the shower. I was sick so he took me to the doctor and we were told to come back in two hours so we had dinner together. It’s weird. But the weirdest part of it all is I feel nothing any more.He has been my best friend for 13 odd years and that part isn’t changing (yet)…but the romance is gone. Any feelings of attraction and romantic affection are gone. The only time I get really upset is when I realise soon I won’t have my best friend any more.

We will both move on and while I am determined never to date again as I don’t think I could ever deal with it all. I’m old. I’m lazy. I’m overweight. I’m set in my ways. I have a “mental illness” that quite frankly I don’t want to have to explain & defend and try to convince someone I am actually relatively normal. But more importantly to be honest I don’t want to have to do to the kids what my mum did to me (man after drunken/alcoholic/abusive man). But I know him too well. He will. Then it will be awkward and odd and I would be the…what? Other woman? The old woman? The ex? Urrrg! All too hard.

I have gotten into a habit of watching all these break up movies and they make me feel better. At least we aren’t screaming in the street. At least we aren’t trying to make the other suffer. Makes me feel all grown up like….until I remember the years of that. The years where I did nothing but cry. The horrible pain we caused each other. I guess that’s when most people leave (at least according to these movies).

I think it’s also weird and awkward because those that know, are all hushed and whispery when they come over (we haven’t told the children and won’t til he has somewhere to live) and ask when he is moving? How will I cope? How will the kids cope? Apart from a handful of my friends and his friends we told my brother & his girlfriend (as they live with us) we haven’t told anyone because as soon as they hear they want to know when he is leaving and how I will manage (since I’m “ill” grrr).. I told my mum too. But that was stupid and pointless. She adores him, way more than me. So not only no sympathy that my marriage of almost ten years was over, but said “Oh, I guess that means the anniversary party is off?” Well DUH!

When mum came down to Melbourne in June for my brothers birthday we went to the Burlesque Bar for something fun to do. We fell in love with the place and decided to hire it for our tenth wedding anniversary. We decided it would be cool to renew our vows as well so I contacted our wedding celebrant in Coffs to arrange for him to fly down as a surprise. I booked a fantastic cake decorator and invitation designer. I even booked in for private burlesque classes for a massive anniversary surprise. But something wasn’t right. It was there in the pit of my stomach. In the back of my mind. It wasn’t right. We could have a party and pretend once more that everything is fine. But it isn’t. It wasn’t. So not only did I end my marriage which was awful, but I then went through the humiliation of cancelling everything. Of answering the questions of “why?”.

Three months on I spend most of my time in my room. We moved into a smaller house, one I could more easily afford. But that took all our money. Now he needs to save for the same thing. But he is out of work. Not to mention Christmas is coming fast and we always spoil the kids rotten at xmas. I just don’t see him leaving any time soon. Which I understand, I am grateful for as financially and of course having two parents around is helpful for running to the shops and handling the sheer volume of work that it takes to homeschool….but I just want to close the book and move on.

project:girl

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