Last night I finally managed to get a whole night sleep. The first time in over a month. One of my most prominent bipolar symptoms during a “manic” period is I don’t sleep. These periods are not really manic at all on medication, I just can’t sleep for sometimes days on end. Sometimes I manage a 5 minute nap here and there. This time it was almost a month. It didn’t matter how tired I might get, I would lie in bed, sometimes all night and day, and not sleep at all. A few days ago I crashed (common after a period of “mania” – I hate that word by the way) but I was sleeping days instead of nights. You would think after 12 hours of night time sleep I would wake up happy right?
The second I woke up I was angry. Then it didn’t matter how much we all tried I couldn’t wake him up. That just put me in an even worse mood. It was all downhill from there. My mood was as black as it was outside. Normally I love storms and feel refreshed after breathing in the rain. Today was different, the angrier I got the more it rained and then the lightning and thunder came. I spent half the day wondering if I was so angry I was making the storm happen.
Maybe the break up isn’t all good. Having my ex asleep on the couch all day isn’t good for me. Today it just felt like the straw that broke the camels back. I felt used. He clearly had little intention of looking for a job or a house, not when he had girls (one of which was suppose to be my friend) to hit on on twitter. He was just going to cruise along as long as I let him and while he is sleeping on my couch I haven’t left my bedroom in days. I felt like he was monopolising my entire house and if I had an issue I should just deal with it quietly in my room. While I didn’t yell, or even leave my room I did let him have it. Hours of nasty emails and msn messages and after all of it I just feel like a bitch.
It didn’t help at all. None of it does. He broke my heart.