That pretty much sums up how I feel about life. I’m over it. Things were looking good. I was given a trial of a new sleeping medication (my GP always gives me his free samples when he wants me to try a new medication). I hadn’t slept a full night in months and all of a sudden I slept solidly, woke up and actually felt lucid for the first time in about 15 months. For three whole days I was productive. I got up, I got dressed, I left my bedroom, I listed stuff on ebay, made plans for the girls school work for 2012 and even made a spread sheet of all our books (to avoid buying duplicates). I couldn’t believe how awesome it was to have my brain back. But there was one problem – I couldn’t drink water. The medication made water taste like pen ink. I became pretty badly dehydrated in that time. So I was taken off those and put onto something else that is useless. Something that is so useless that not only does it not make me sleep, I am back to being groggy after taking it.
So then I got really bummed. And tired. And couldn’t see the point of living like this any more. Everyone else seems to have a life and I am about to turn 30 and I don’t even remotely have my shit together. I used to work. I used to do charity work that made me feel good about myself and the world. I used to go to the gym. I used to go out with people. I went away on holidays/workshops (when a workshop is held at seaworld…well it seemed like a holiday to me). I could go into nearly any store and buy clothes.
Even though I was bummed my ebay auctions had been going well and so far over $500 has gone into the Christmas fund. So that was something right?
Then it got hot. I don’t cope well in the heat and this new house has no air conditioning. I get dizzy and light headed and feel sick in the heat. In anything above 28 degrees. I get whiny and bitchy and act like a jerk. Then I realised almost all the items on my “30 in 30” list cost too much money. November & December all spare funds get funnelled into the twins birthday and then Christmas. January is spent on school/curriculum purchases. Then Feb rolls around and its time to pay all the girls sports/extra curricular fees. So I realised no matter how much I might want to – doing anything for my birthday was out. The one thing I really wanted to do this year was make friends….real close friends. I know that won’t happen over night. I know it won’t happen by sitting in bed and ranting on my blog. But I thought the effort I put in getting out there and meeting new people would pay off.
I also had to pull my friendship personals adds after the harassing male emails reached about 60. I literally could not take another one. Why the hell do men think that behaviour is acceptable???? I specifically said I was looking for female only friends. Did they really think I was going to respond to a degrading email from some sexist jerk? urg.
Then it started raining and usually the rain perks me up (I’m weird like that) but it was just gloomy and miserable. Then just when I thought I could not feel any more sorry for myself I heard from a friend that her teenage daughter had been repeatedly raped and her daughter had only just confessed. Just when I thought “woe is me, my life sucks so bad” I found out that one of the most amazing parents in the world, who is so close to all her kids and talks to them about everything, was going through this with her daughter. It had apparently been going on for months and her daughter said nothing. As a mum of daughters I know that having them hurt is one kind of hell….having them keep it from you and finding out too late would be a whole other kind of hell. Their whole family is crumbling from this news. All night I have felt physically sick. I know these things happen. I lived through sexual abuse myself for almost 2 years. But you think when you have a great relationship with your kids, when you love them fiercely and make them a HUGE priority in your life, when you talk to them about anything….you think they will come to you. I know this family will get through it. They are amazing. They are loving and supportive and awesome.
It makes me want to take my girls, wrap them up in cotton wool and chain them to the house. They are still little. They still haven’t left the house unsupervised (or stayed in the house unsupervised). Yeah they play sports….but we are on the sidelines. As they get older I am going to have to let go. it is so hard to know all the scary shit that goes on in the world and let them develop a life outside the home and us. Then of course you have the statistics that say kids are more likely to be abused by a family member. Given that it was a family member in my case….well I look at every one suspiciously. Just as well no family members have any real interest in us or our girls.
Yeah I feel bummed about my own shit. But my girls are healthy and happy. They are safe.
Today I just hope that my girls scrape through life with the minimum amount of pain and heartache and am glad they are little and spend their whole days with me.