I haven’t written much about how things are going mentally and with the girls father. Trying to be positive is hard work so this is my random thoughts post.
I can tell how I am doing by my inbox. If there is under 5 things in there I am doing great, have lots of energy and just generally feeling good. 10 things and I am starting to reach a point where I can’t respond to everyone. This is a big warning sign for me as when I get really badly depressed, the time I most need to be around people, I withdraw. I currently have 35 emails in my inbox. Each requires some sort of action that at the moment I can’t seem to bring myself to do. While I am struggling to respond, I have still maintained my connections. I am still going out and seeing people and even talking on the phone.
If I have to hear the girls father whine about one more thing I am going to get stabby. I always knew he whined and ranted…but I didn’t realise how much effort I put in to listen to him and try to make him feel heard and appreciated. I don’t have the slightest inclination to do it any more. I find it irritating. He never saw me as a particularly attentive wife…but I clearly was doing something that I no longer have the capacity for. Just one more sign that it is really over this time.
I have started to be more honest and upfront. Considering I thought I was a brutally honest person this was an interesting turn. I hate confrontations of any kind so I tend to just ignore things when they are bad. I had a friend who I had gotten quite close to. She worked with the girls dad and became such a huge support while I was in hospital and I adored her. At a time when everyone I knew was turning their back on me she would email me to see how I was going. Then I broke up with the girls dad and any time I mentioned a problem I was having with him she became …. weird. Seeing as how I had yet to have a female friend that didn’t end up sleeping with, or at least attaching themselves to, him I assumed she was one of the many that worship him and I stopped responding to emails and twitter. A few days before xmas she emailed me to tell me she missed talking to me and she didn’t know what happened. Instead of ignoring it I told her how I felt. It turns out she just felt awkward because she doesn’t like to say bad things about anyone. We have now caught up a bit and I am feel like an idiot for not saying something earlier.
My brother and his girlfriend moved out. My house is so quiet now. I miss him. I don’t miss his girlfriend or the drama that went on between them. I thought that this would mean less ranting from the girls father (who ranted at him or about him all day long) instead he spent the last two weeks ranting about all the things my brother used to do instead of enjoying the quiet. Not sure I get it.
I am slowly starting to notice what a selfish pig I married. Take out the googly eyes and the loving adoration I had for 12 years and he is really quite a jerk. All the things I was willing to put up with for love, I just can’t any more. He is getting more and more upset as I no longer hold back when he is being an asshole.
Starting back at school/formal work has been great. It has bought us all together again. Even in a tiny house we are always spread out doing our own thing. Now we have a reason to come together for at least 3-4 hours a day.
The girls have FINALLY started swimming lessons. Never living close enough to a pool or driving have meant the girls have never really had formal lessons. There is so much of the world I want to show them and I realised them not being able to swim is a huge roadblock. But I don’t want them having evening lessons as it gets too cold to come home on public transport. Finally I found a swim school who is willing to teach them through the day. This week they have gone to lessons everyday and next week it will be one day a week. They are already making rapid progress.
I love my girls so much that it physically hurts me when they aren’t happy or unwell. I get so incredibly distressed. Our beautiful middle child has been struggling lately. She is unable to talk about feelings, emotions and even her health. I accept that totally and never pry. But recently she was sick and she just couldn’t tell us. It was awful and lots of tears all round. I offered to buy her a book that she can keep in her room and write in when she needs to tell us something. Will see how that works.
After being a computer addict and spending more than 16 hours a day online for 12 years (I am not always sitting here….but my laptop is always open) I am finding I can’t sit at the computer much any more. I have been reading a lot and actually leaving the bedroom to watch stuff on tv and not taking my laptop with me. I like it.
Me + heat = wilted me. I can’t cope when it gets above 25/26 degrees. When its in the 30’s I get physically ill. I throw up, get dizzy, sweat pours off me and I can’t eat. Takes me days to recover. Not looking forward to the rest of the week at all.