The other night I ended up fighting with the girls dad again – it wasn’t a big fight, just a small one where we raised our voices a little. It was stupid really…he was getting on my nerves so I ranted at him that he was testing my patience ect.
We calmed down, but Miss 10 had woken up to us fighting. She didn’t hear what we were fighting about but it hit her like a tonne of bricks. She spent the next 3 hours in the foetal position crying. You know it is incredibly bad when she actually lets you hold her. I hadn’t seen her this upset in years.
It all hit me then. We have been making out like everything will be fine when he moves out. We would let them see the other whenever they wanted, call, visit and we would be civil…but it isn’t going to be fine. In that moment watching my daughter so upset she couldn’t move I knew that this was going to break their little hearts and I knew that I wouldn’t be the one to do that.
Once everything calmed down I told him that he could stay. I asked if we could ever make it work and he said no. The major thing that has held us back is his inability to face his past and he told me that he wasn’t willing to do it. Not for me, not for them, not at all. So there was no hope. So I asked if he would stay if we weren’t together, if he could do what he wanted, see who he wanted and kept up appearances for the kids sake. He never wanted to leave, so that was that.
Then I asked his to give me some time alone. I cried like I have never cried before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. For all my bravado I knew I had just committed myself to a life without love, companionship or hope. I cried until I fell asleep.
I have never believed in staying together for the kids. I have always believed that at some point you have to live for you. And yet here I am.
I may change my mind, but it’s unlikely given how stubborn I am. It’s also unlikely given how fiercely protective I am of my girls.
Am I crazy? Almost certainly.
There is a chance when they all grow up and move out they will see me like everyone else – the Ice Queen. After all I will have lived in a loveless marriage for over 20 years at that point. But I would rather them think I am crazy or stupid than have them go through the pain that would come from having their father leave. I know that pain.
SO what I am asking here is that please, if you disagree with me – keep it to yourself. It is going to be hard for me to just get through the next few days. Those that care about me distract me. Those that don’t just leave me be.
I have made this decision freely, without coercion and know the sacrifices I am making. For my girls, I would do anything.