Why Me?

Is what I have found myself muttering over and over the last 24 hours. I just feel like I can never catch a break. So what happened yesterday to make me feel like I am still walking uphill?

Diabetes Type 2

Just as I am coming to terms with one illness, Bipolar, I am having to adjust to another. Yesterday my dr. informed me that I had diabetes. I had a blood test on that shitty doctor day and a few days ago a letter arrived in the mail saying they couldn’t contact us and could we call the surgery immediately to make an appointment to get my blood test results. Of course I stressed over that letter for three days waiting for my appointment. Of course I worried it was something that was going to kill me (I have a fantastic imagination!). But I suspected it could be diabetes purely because I knew that the medication I was on had recently started to be linked with diabetes (probably because of the massive weight gains associated with it). But I thought it was more likely to be cholesterol as I don’t have a huge sweet tooth, but I love my cheese and bacon and creamy curries.

After waiting 1.5 hours in the waiting room he finally saw me. He was cranky because the reason he was so anxious to talk to me was because he wanted to know what I ate before the test…when I reminded him I fasted (around 12 hours) he choked on his sandwich. My blood glucose levels were more than double the high end of normal….when I was fasting. Great.

Lots of talking at me for about 40 minutes (any wonder I wait for hours when he can easily spend that much time with each patient) and I was told what I shouldn’t eat, that I will need to take care of my feet, that I need to see someone to make sure I don’t go blind, that I need to see a nurse and a dietician. Next week I get a blood sugar monitor which apparently I will need to use daily, I will be put on cholesterol lowering medication and also insulin tablets (I think they are insulin…not sure what else they could be). I am dropping (with no change to diet/exercise) about 1kg a week since lowering my medication a second time. Apparently with my diet and the pills I am going to be shedding the weight. I need to do 30 minutes of cardio each day. I can’t help but think there won’t be anything left of me soon (Being hippy and booby I look anorexic under 65kgs and my doctor wants me between 56 and 68kgs).

OVERWHELMED!

After my appointment (where I was alone as the girls were on an excursion with their dad learning all about land and energy) I was a bit numb. I was trying to read all the pamphlets on the bus and I felt like I was going to cry…so I put them away and blasted some Motion City Soundtrack songs. I caught up with the girls quickly in the city and was able to fill him in on what happened while being all sunny about it – of course they were all eating maccas *sigh* – as the girls were there and I wasn’t about to have a melt down in maccas with the kids. Then I met up with my friend (we have been having dumplings followed by Burlesque classes for a few weeks) and I had to tell her I couldn’t eat dumplings any more. Which made me upset as I know she has massive anxiety eating at new places and I didn’t want to upset her. But we settled on nandos – where I had a salad and some chicken tenders…but given how oily they seemed I don’t think I can eat that again. We then headed off for some bump and grind and our weekly “feel our self up” session (Our instructor always says “If you forget a move, if all else fails…just feel yourself up and its all good” LOL). I was exhuasted by the time I got home at 10pm and I totally fell apart. I started bawling my eyes out. I was so hungry but there was nothing in the house I could eat. I didn’t even know what I could eat. I bawled and bawled. After he researched it a bit and went to coles and I ate I felt a bit better and was able to sleep. Today…I am just trying to adjust. I’m not sad…just overwhelmed. And a tad angry….

Now one of the reasons I wanted to come off these stupid meds, beyond the fact that I had no quality of life, was that it could end up with diabetes. I spent 6 months umming and ahhing and weighing the risks – mainly that some studies show up to 25% of bipolar patients who come off their medication attempt suicide (vs. something like 10% of bipolar patients who never take medication). That was scary. In those 6 months I developed diabetes. Had I been more decisive I might have avoided it.

coulda. shoulda. woulda.

Then there is the frustration with why me and not their dad. That sounds harsh BUT he is almost double his ideal weight, his granddad lost both legs thanks to diabetes, his biological father has type 2…as does his two aunts, his uncle and all his cousins. Why me with not a single family member having it. More anger towards the stupid medication.

But (back to the rational me) as the girls and their dad have promised to try to eat the same foods as me at home I can only hope that the change in lifestyle will help extend his life and maybe changing now will mean he won’t end up with it. He also has colon cancer on both sides of the family so it is VERY important that he changes his lifestyle.

So there you have it … life it changing again. I have already reduced my portion size by almost half (while I didn’t eat a lot of junk, I ate quite large meals), am slowly figuring out this low gi thing and until I know what else I can eat I am eating a tin of tuna with one slice of low gi bread, sandwich with protein and salad for lunch and salad for dinner (with 100g of protein – which is apparently all I am allowed) – I have yet to snack as I know I can’t have all fruits.

So there is my jumbled thoughts on the last 24 hours. Blarg. Anyone out there living with diabetes and have any advice?

project:girl

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4 thoughts on “Why Me?

  1. Wish I had some advice but unfortunately I know nothing about diabetes – Google is always your best friend though! I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this on top of everything else 😦 Sending my thoughts your way. xx

  2. Wow that is big news – hugs 😦
    Trying to be positive, this could partially explain why you have been feeling so blurgh for so long (perhaps it wasn’t just the meds) and hopefully you’ll feel a lot better once you have it under control. If you make positive lifestyle changes (eating and exercising) because of it, you will probably feel even better (I have heard that this helps manage it).
    Thinking of you!!

    • Thanks Lisa – I agree it can be really positive…but at the moment I am still mourning the loss of macrons LOL. I have been eating mainly fresh vege and protein for the last few days and I was getting bad heartburn before which hasn’t made an appearance since. So fingers crossed symptoms get less and less as time goes on.

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