In Hell

In case anyone has been wondering where I have been…just see the title of this post.

I decided to let the girls father stay permanently after worrying about how it was going to effect the girls. He had told me repeatedly he didn’t want to move out so I expected things to go a lot smoother than they did. Instead he turned nasty. I can’t help but think he was hoping for an end to things with him looking like the bad guy and when I took that away he did everything in his power to drive me, not just away, but insane.

After I mentioned this to him – which ended in another big fight – we talked. And talked and talked and talked and came up with an agreement to go back into couples therapy and try to move forward as I have always been willing to work on things, assuming I wasn’t the only one.

Just 48 hours later I was so incredibly upset – things had gone downhill massively – I actually called my mum and asked to go stay with her as it seemed like if I didn’t get away immediately I was looking at hospital as my only other option. After spending a whole day trying to figure out where I was going to find money for flights, feeling guilty knowing that I would miss my eldest daughters birthday if I went away and crying he went out for a few hours and instantly I was calmer, more in control and happier. I realised then that I couldn’t continue to put myself out there to be crushed over and over again and I asked him to leave immediately.

The next day we sat down and told the kids. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, but it was still horrible. Miss 10 refused to speak to either of us and the other 3 cried and went between the two of us hugging us. A few hours later he left.

So here I am alone with my girls. For me it seems easier to be alone when I am alone, than alone with someone who is suppose to love you. I honestly can’t believe I went from that down and thinking I was going to have to be in hospital, to so calm and normal and almost happy…..almost.

project:girl

note: for those thinking (or worrying) the swing from severely depressed to calm and rational is a symptom of my bipolar…it isn’t. Bipolar mood swings happen over the course of months. It is a common misconception though and just thought I would take the time for an educational side note on mental illness.

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2 thoughts on “In Hell

  1. Sorry to hear that all this has happened 😦 I hope you’re coping okay. I also hope that he will be able to play an active role in the girls’ life, even if he doesn’t live at home (that’s his choice of course, if he gets his act together etc so that he is a good role model!).

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