There is no better…

Amoung all the other crap that has been going on my doctor turned psycho on me again. This time instead of threats…he refused to fax through a script to my chemist when I ran out of my medication. This may not be terrible…except the medication I am on, when I miss it  get quite distressed and if it continues too long I could have a pyschotic break. I also had gastro and couldn’t leave the house to attend my appointment to get my medication. Then after abusing the chemist and the girls dad over the phone he said he now couldn’t see me for 3 days. It was the push I needed to finally get a new GP (who is lovely and super helpful).

BUT

In all of this I realised there is no better for me. I have two choices to be a person with bipolar who is medicated or I can be a person with bipolar who is undedicated. But either way I still am not well. There is no cure. I won’t ever wake up and just be “normal”.

In July 2010 I had what could only be described as a nervous breakdown. I ended up in hospital, but it wasn’t my first stay in a psych ward. I thought it would be like the other times. I would get help and slowly recover. I thought I would work again. That I would exercise again. That I would have the social life I used to have. That I would be able to use my camera. That I would be able to …. be the person I once was.

It was only after reading something on Madame Bipolars blog – I don’t even remember what it was – that it suddenly hit me. I may improve, I may have a better quality of life than I have now….but I won’t ever be cured.

Then I thought about my diabetes. While there is no cure for diabetes either, it can be managed to the point of having no symptoms. That won’t be the case with my bipolar.

I won’t ever be the person I once was. I can’t keep waiting for things to be “like before”. That me doesn’t exist any more. Maybe it’s for the best.

But there is no better.

project:girl

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