My weight loss started when I lowered my medication. Then with my diabetes diagnosis I started eating better and even more weight started to come off. As of Sunday I weigh 87.9kgs…down from my high of 104 around November last year. 87.9kgs seems so tiny compared to where I was.
Seeing that little man almost halfway there surprises me. I have always had trouble with weight loss. Loosing & gaining the same 5-10kgs over and over again. Of course my bipolar diagnosis and then heavy medication added even more weight…but I don’t know that I ever really believed I could stick to a healthy eating plan. After all I loved food and
am was a total carb addict. I would sometimes have a bowl of pasta from breakfast, lunch and dinner. Then there was my gigantic portion sizes….when I started weighing my food and realised I was eating anywhere up to 5-6 times the recommended portion size I felt physically ill. How was I going to survive on such small amounts of food?
For roughly 6-7 weeks I have been eating a maximum of 1400 calories a day. I am no longer starving all the time. I actually seem to be thinking of food very little. I am closer than ever to breaking my emotional eating habits. I am also starting to think of food purely as nourishment…not enjoyment. WTF? Who is this person who has taken over my weak mind who would buy a box of 4 cupcakes and eat them all in 5 seconds? I used to have a meal at KFC then walk down two doors to do it all over again at maccas. I would order 2 full mains at thai food and eat them both…with tonnes of extra rice of course and follow it up with a magnum or three. Some days I actually struggle to eat 1200 calories. On those days I dip a celery stick into some natural peanut butter just to push it up.
But something I knew I would have to face sooner or later was exercise. For almost 2 years I have been in bed. Sedated, thanks to my medication, I had little to no energy and definitely no motivation. As I am slowly weaning off the medication I have a bit more energy…but still struggled with the motivation. Last year I almost joined in on Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation with a friend…but I realised I couldn’t get out of bed most days and that it would be a colossal waste of money. So I promptly forgot about it. Then the lovely Miss Directions started blogging about her journey through 2012 Round 1 12WBT. It seemed each week I looked forward to her posting about it. I went and put in my registration of interest and before I knew it I was signing up for round 2.
Round 2 doesn’t start until June, but at the moment we are in the “warm up” phase in which Michelle posts a new warm up challenge each week. Week 1 (make a small change) was almost over when I signed up and my small change was to try to get out of the house for a walk 3 times a week…but as it was over the next day I forgot about it and moved on to week 2 (halve your non water intake)…this was easy (or impossible depending on how you look at it) as I already only drink water. By now I am thinking this is fairly easy. Then yesterday I got notified of week 3’s challenge – in one week walk/run/ride/swim/row/whatever (except drive) 30kms. I instantly freaked out and thought there is no way I could ever manage that. Which led to me thinking…well if I won’t make it why bother at all? Then I attempted to distract myself with tv/movies/reading/internet.
In the cold light of late afternoon (my sleep cycles are currently reversed) I thought how silly it was to not even try. I used to live my life by a “Shoot for the moon, if you miss at least you’ll land among the stars” philosophy. I would dream big and do everything in my power to get there, and if I didn’t make it at least I tried. So at 5:05pm I popped on my runners knowing I had 40 minutes to walk before Miss 10 and her dad were off to soccer training and I needed to be home to watch the other 3. I decided to walk as far as I could in 25 minutes and then turn around and come home. I grabbed my ipod and I was off.
Within 5 minutes I was huffing and puffing and sweating and red faced…and this was at what most people would call a leisurely pace. I had mums pushing prams overtake me, people twice my age sped past…but I kept going. I hoped to make the trip around 5kms, but when I got home and plotted the route on google maps I had only made it 3.3km. I was disapointed.
Wait hold up. ONLY 3.3km? Yesterday I spent in bed doing no kms. The day before – same thing. Last year I might have been lucky to walk 3.3kms total. It wasn’t ONLY 3.3kms.
WOW is what I am now saying. I actually got up, got dressed, put on my runners and walked for exercise (not to get somewhere) for a whole 3.3kms. Go me!
No 3.3kms might not be a huge achievement to others – but it is to me. Just managing to put clothes on is an effort for me. Talking on the phone is an effort for me. Brushing my teeth. Walking 3.3kms? Well that is HUGE.
So maybe this time I can do it. Maybe if I start changing the way I think. Stop thinking that I am the same person I was 2 years ago. Start accepting who I am now and just try my very best then I can change.
After all, you have to start somewhere. For me that was 3.3kms.