Yesterday I was taken to the ER by ambulance after yet another overdose of over the counter medication. This time it was phenergen, fifty of them. I have done this before…but yesterday was different.
In the past I have attempted suicide after months of severe depression. Months of not talking to anyone or going anywhere. Months in where I asked for help, but never got it. Then after some major upset I would take every pill I could get my hands on, lie down to try to sleep…and hope no one found me. It’s horrible to feel that lost. To be so sure that everyone, my kids included, would be better off without me. To feel so incredibly alone.
I don’t think I felt like that yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I got upset, really angry and miserable. And I fell back on what has clearly become a habit. I opened my bedside drawer and took every single tablet in a new box of phenergen. Instantly I panicked. I didn’t want to die. What the hell did I do? SO I went and tried to make myself sick. It didn’t work. A call to nurse on call, followed by a call to the ambulance and a trip to ER to be monitored until I was safe.
I was,, of course, visited by the mental health team. After a bit of a chat (and lots of crying on my part) we decided against admission to the psych ward. As she put it…I didn’t want to die…there was no intent. It seemed to have scared me enough to not be inclined to do it again. Maybe she is right. I am being treated at home by the CAT team. They will help me find a new psychologist and psychiatrist and probably a different medication.
I feel like I am right back at the start again. Even worse…I am terrified it can now happen any time I am upset.
Physically I am mostly fine…still quite sleepy and foggy, but that is to be expected given what I took. I am also exhausted…again to be expected.
I just feel like an idiot. I heard my dads voice on the way to the hospital. He was the first person to visit me after my first suicide attempt. After screaming at me for a few minutes about how he was never going to let me see my kids again, he went on to tell me how people with “real” medical problems probably died waiting for an ambulance because they had to come and take me to the hospital. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time. Especially as I had almost no side effects at all. I never lost conciousness. Five hours later I was still awake and walking around like a normal person. My heart rate was slightly elevated…but that was it. People were on hospital beds in the halls of emergency while I was taking up a bed. I was monitored first for an hour in a resuscitation room with a nurse in the room the whole time. The guy who was next to me was rushed to surgery. The next one died. And here I was wasting everyone’s time.
I am not sure I am making any sense. I feel like shit. I am about to go to bed (before 7pm) as I am just drained.