One Step Forward, Fifty Steps Back

Yesterday I was taken to the ER by ambulance after yet another overdose of over the counter medication. This time it was phenergen, fifty of them. I have done this before…but yesterday was different.

In the past I have attempted suicide after months of severe depression. Months of not talking to anyone or going anywhere. Months in where I asked for help, but never got it. Then after some major upset I would take every pill I could get my hands on, lie down to try to sleep…and hope no one found me. It’s horrible to feel that lost. To be so sure that everyone, my kids included, would be better off without me. To feel so incredibly alone.

I don’t think I felt like that yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I got upset, really angry and miserable. And I fell back on what has clearly become a habit. I opened my bedside drawer and took every single tablet in a new box of phenergen. Instantly I panicked. I didn’t want to die. What the hell did I do? SO I went and tried to make myself sick. It didn’t work. A call to nurse on call, followed by a call to the ambulance and a trip to ER to be monitored until I was safe.

I was,, of course, visited by the mental health team. After a bit of a chat (and lots of crying on my part) we decided against admission to the psych ward. As she put it…I didn’t want to die…there was no intent. It seemed to have scared me enough to not be inclined to do it again. Maybe she is right. I am being treated at home by the CAT team. They will help me find a new psychologist and psychiatrist and probably a different medication.

I feel like I am right back at the start again. Even worse…I am terrified it can now happen any time I am upset.

Physically I am mostly fine…still quite sleepy and foggy, but that is to be expected given what I took. I am also exhausted…again to be expected.

I just feel like an idiot. I heard my dads voice on the way to the hospital. He was the first person to visit me after my first suicide attempt. After screaming at me for a few minutes about how he was never going to let me see my kids again, he went on to tell me how people with “real” medical problems probably died waiting for an ambulance because they had to come and take me to the hospital. I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time. Especially as I had almost no side effects at all. I never lost conciousness. Five hours later I was still awake and walking around like a normal person. My heart rate was slightly elevated…but that was it. People were on hospital beds in the halls of emergency while I was taking up a bed. I was monitored first for an hour in a resuscitation room with a nurse in the room the whole time. The guy who was next to me was rushed to surgery. The next one died. And here I was wasting everyone’s time.

I am not sure I am making any sense. I feel like shit. I am about to go to bed (before 7pm) as I am just drained.

project:girl

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4 thoughts on “One Step Forward, Fifty Steps Back

  1. This entry has almost broken my heart – when I saw what you had written on Twitter I didn’t take too much notice of what I was reading so I’m sorry if I seemed a little lighthearted! 😦 Just so you know you are NOT an idiot and you were NOT wasting anyone’s time! You’re as worthy of being looked after as much as anyone else is.

    I am so very glad that your reaction wasn’t anything serious and that you’re okay now. What a scare though! Don’t think that you’re back at the start – it’s just a setback and the main thing is that you’re okay!! Hopefully getting a new psychologist/psychiatrist/meds helps change things for the better – I know what an amazingly strong person you are, and I guess there’s nothing to do but keep trying, as hard as it can be.

    If you ever need to talk then you have my email address! I hate to think that you feel like this, and if I can help in any way at all then I want you to know that I’m here for you. If you like I can give you my phone number if you ever want to call/text me to chat. Sending you so many hugs, and I hope things start looking up soon! xxxx

  2. Wow. I have never been where you are, and hopefully never find myself there. I can only imagine how awful it must be. Hoping any changes are for the better, that you had a decent night’s sleep, and that things are looking better today. Cyberhugs going out to you. I agree with Jennifer though – you had as much right as anyone to get the help (and monitoring) you needed. 🙂 It didn’t take you long to realise your mistake. And we all make mistakes – they just vary in size sometimes.

  3. I’m sorry to hear that all this has happened 😦 I suppose what’s most important is that you didn’t really want to die, and that counts for something. Instead of thinking of it as ’50 steps back’, I hope that the new psych team and trialing new meds will help you to move on into the future, and learn some strategies for preventing this from re-occurring.

    I can’t begin to imagine how you feel or the situation you’re in, but I do know that you owe it to yourself and your girls to try your hardest to stablise yourself as much as possible. Please try to make it to your psych appointments and to let others help you as much as possible… so that you can take 50 steps forward 🙂

    I hope you’re feeling a little better today. xx

  4. I don’t know you – I stumbled across your blog on the 12wbt forums, and you seemed like someone I’d be interested in following. You are.

    You are brave. It may not feel like it now, but you asked for help and are publicly speaking about this event. Those two things alone make you braver than most.

    You are strong. You made a mistake, yes, but anyone can lapse – the important thing is that you picked up the phone and went to the hospital.

    You did not waste anyone’s time. Hospitals prioritise, the same way any business does – they were still looking after the sick and dying while checking on you. You absolutely did the right thing in calling them. If what comes from it is further help, a new psychologist, etc, then it was worth it.

    I’ve been here. It’s a deep, dark hole. But you seem like the type of person who will manage to crawl out of it.

    Good luck on your journey.

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