scared, trapped & feeling awfully small

The good news to the fact that I am spirally down again is the fact that I have a new psychologist to help me deal with it. The bad news it will be 3 weeks til I can see her again because of the holiday.

total spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the movie…

Today I watched “the Duchess” (Keira Knightly) and was left feeling more depressed than ever. Toward the end I think I started to have a panic attack as it felt completely overwhelmingly oppressing. The movie is about a young girl who becomes a dutchess. Her husband has no interest in her beyond her baring him a son. Along the way he takes a mistress (who had happened to be her best friend). When she tries to leave he gives her no access to her children. Eventually giving up a man who actually loves her to be with her children. She then finds out she is pregnant by the other man. Forced into the same situation again…give up her baby so she can continue to stay with her children. All while he former best friend remained living essentially as a second wife. In the end she goes back into society knowing she has no escape at all.

It is rare I have such a strong reaction to a movie like that. Of course as a feminist I get frustrated that women were (and in some countries are) treated that way. But I think it had an effect on me because of how things currently are. My husband and I never got to counselling (he swore black and blue he would if I took him back this time). He has also stopped sleeping in my bed again. We barely talk at all. We don’t spend any time in the same room.

I watched my mother go from one abusive relationship after another. Always telling me she couldn’t leave as she would be alone and this is the best she can get. I always swore I would never “stay for the kids” or allow myself to stay with someone out of fear. But here I am.

I am too scared to leave having been told numerous times I would not be able to manage the kids on my own and I am not leaving without the kids. I can’t even say the words “l love you” in print. I couldn’t write it on his birthday card (I haven’t been able to say them to him in months). My skin crawls at the thought of him touching me. But it’s not like he ever does. We haven’t had sex in two months … I was so excited at the time (spontaneous shower sex …. at a time we were barely speaking) think maybe things changed. But when it was over he left the room and didn’t come back to bed. It had been months before that too. There is no longer hugging. No holding hands. I find his endless prattle obnoxious.

At a time when I have been so level headed and sleeping well and so happy….I just ignored it all and that movie left me sobbing hysterically as I felt the walls crushing in on me.

I’m scared to be alone. I am scared that my girls will grown up thinking if you get a man you have to stay with them even if they make you feel this way. I worry about how many years it will be before the kids all leave. Then what? alone in a house with someone who has little to no regard for me and someone I am starting to hate?

today I am scared. I feel small. I feel cornered. I dread the fact that I will be spending 12 days on holiday with him.Our sydney room we will have no choice but to share a bed. I am fearing that more than anything at the moment.

today I feel the opposite of perfect. Today I had to get it out or I might cry myself to sleep. Today you get far from perfect me.

project:girl

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5 thoughts on “scared, trapped & feeling awfully small

  1. I’m afraid I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better. I don’t really have any advice re: your marriage or children. I do know that I try to avoid any movies that are depressing in theme because I am WAY to sensitive to watch them. Shit I cry at those BUPA ads where the people meet the healthier versions of themselves!!! I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you.
    xoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. I don’t know what to say to you or give any advice about your marriage because not only have I never been married, but I think that this is such an important decision that it really needs to come from you. But just try to look at it with the perspective that this is your life, and ultimately you have control over it. You are not trapped, just in a bad situation that needs to be turned around for the better. Sending you lots of love. xxxx

  3. Oh honey, what turmoil. I hate to think of anyone feeling so bad. I hope you can turn this around, turn the fear/scared feeling into a positive. Get angry, pump your fist in the air, start living as YOU want to, for you and your children. And above all, keep the faith. Our lives are not a dress rehearsal, it’s the real deal, and it’s up to us to be our best champions, with whatever the future holds for you all. Good luck.

  4. There’s not much anyone can do or say so all I can offer are comforting words. My mother is currently staying with a man who makes her feel terrible for the sake of my little sister. It’s not nice for anyone involved.
    If you decide to leave him the kids will forgive you, the finances will work out and you won’t feel as alone as you feel now. Sure, this is all speculation on my part, but please don’t worry. It will all be okay in the end.

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