stressed

I am suppose to be looking forward to my holiday (two more sleeps…but more likely 1 as it;s 3:30am and I am still awake) but the reality is I am just not. I am ridiculously stressed and I need to brain dump in order to hopefully get some sleep. Why am I stressed about a holiday? Read on.

  1. I have been sick. Not the usual run down-ness that I always seem to have, but incredibly unwell. I have problems with my digestion so it goes in waves…I get really backed up…then everything comes out both ends. Aren’t you glad I shared? So I got so backed up I was throwing anything I ate back up. Then everything came out. Then I got a migraine. Then another. I started getting feeling back in my left hand on day 3 (I get stroke symptoms during my migraines…including loss of feeling down one side of my body) only to have yet another one on day 4. I realised on all the days I had a migraine I had also had cheese. I forgot about that link and today had some of the vege bake I made the kids (with cheese sauce) and got hit with the beginnings of another one. I have had the flu. I have had aching joints. I haven’t been able to be away from my bed and my bathroom for almost three weeks. The thought of not being better by tomorrow makes me even more stressed, which has made me spend half of today throwing up. Awesome. As I have been so sick I haven’t been able to exercise at all.
  2. My sleeping medication runs out the day I leave and my doctor has decided that’s all I can have. I don’t have time to see another doctor. So I am looking at an entire holiday where I am unlikely to sleep. Especially as I don’t sleep well anywhere other than my bed, with my sheets, and my pillows. Ad in strange noises and the fact that in Sydney we are all in the one hotel room (on the gold coast we have an apartment) and I know I am not going to sleep. Me knowing I am not going to sleep is going to stress me out…so there will be no chance of sleep.
  3. We booked with Tiger. I know we shouldn’t have but the $10 flights were too hard to resist. Now I am convinced our flights will be cancelled and we will be stranded somewhere. I flew tiger years ago with no issues (before they were grounded) but now I wish we had paid the extra and gone with someone else. Of course had we done that we wouldn’t have been able to afford to go at all.
  4. My family. Grrrr. I have a large extended family in Sydney who haven’t seen the twins since they were two (they are now eight). They have been asking forever for us to visit. We are now coming and suddenly they are all busy. I have also been lectured in the past for my spontaneous trips and for not giving them enough notice. This time I let them know we would be coming back in Feb. Then we let them know when we booked the tickets. Followed up 3 weeks ago, then two weeks ago, then one week ago and again today. They still don’t know what they are doing. Had I known this I would have just gone straight to the Gold Coast.
  5. The thought of being touched by my husband makes me feel ill. It has for a few months now. At home he sleeps on the lounge. In a hotel in Sydney we are going to have to share a bed. To say this is freaking me out is an understatement. I am making myself sick over it. Seeing as how we are barely speaking I can’t even find the words to vocalise that.
  6. Two weeks without therapy. I clearly have a lot of work to do with my psych and this holiday is interfering with that as I am just getting started with her. Then I only have four weeks before she goes on maternity leave.
  7. Loud Noise. People. Commitments. The kids are looking forward to theme parks and zoos and I can’t just postpone it if I don’t feel up to it. I can’t let them down when they are so looking forward to it all. The thought that I might let them down is stressing me completely.
  8. Public Transport. I know the pt system in Melbourne. I know the pt system in Sydney. But on the Gold Coast I have no freakin idea. I have printed out bus timetables and maps and will have the internet on my phone…but the whole thing stresses me out. There is nothing I hate more than getting on a bus and not knowing exactly what stop is mine. Thankfully our hotel is 400m from a shopping centre and the bus stop is at the shopping centre. But still it is one more thing to freak me out.
  9. The house. I am completely stressed our house will burn down or be robbed while we are gone. We have only been robbed once but that time they backed a truck up to our house and took everything (including furniture and my make up case). More than anything I am worried about loosing our books. We have spent the last few years building our library from a handful of picture books to over 600 books ranging from classic novels, shakespeare and poetry to kids novels to encyclopedias and reference books (mainly on history and science as that is what the kids – and me – are into). Not to mention the thousands of dollars worth of homeschool curriculum on our shelves. I know these things are unlikely to be stolen…but if our house burns down we will loose them all. I am more stressed about the books than things like photos (my work as a photographer means I always kept a set of hard drives “offsite” and still do to this day).
  10. Money. We don’t have a credit card. We don’t have any savings. We have a small amount put away for this holiday. But if anything goes wrong I am not sure what we should do. But if we had waited til we had more money we would never go. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
  11. My mum. She lives just five hours south of the gold coast. If she decides to call me and realises I am there she will invite herself along. She is the person that most stresses me out in the entire world. She hasn’t called me in at least 5 months so hopefully I am safe. But if my brother doesn’t keep his mouth shut then she will show up and no doubt ruin our holiday. She also apparently has a new number which I don’t have so no way of effectively screening her. Then even if we do avoid her I won’t hear the end of it for years.

As you can see travelling when you have anxiety issues is just massively fun. Wish me luck and we will be back in a few weeks.

project:girl

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6 thoughts on “stressed

  1. You sounds really overwhelmed but, if I may, I would suggest trying to take steps to try and mitigate the issues one by one, to break them down into manageable components (as you have done in this list)
    1. Did you explain to your doctor that you are about to leave for a trip, and that it is incredibly important you are able to sleep during this time? He/she might be comfortable enough to prescribe you a small batch of meds, to see you through the holiday. If not, try to take as many parts of your sleeping ritual, which you described in another post I think, with on you the trip. Take your favourite pillow (this could be a godsend if there are any travel related delays too), a candle or two, your favourite tea, bath salts/soaps etc so that you can try and recreate an atmosphere that is conducive to sleep.
    2. Being anxious about travel related delays. These can happen on any airline, regardless of how much your ticket cost. Don’t beat yourself up about choosing Tiger. If something happens, ok, you will deal with it then, don’t spend the time and energy worrying about it beforehand.
    3. Sleeping in the same bed as your husband – request extra pillows from housekeeping, or an extra doona, and create a barrier down the centre of the bed – you can say that it is to help you sleep better, if you are worried about what the kids will say.
    4. It sounds like it might be worthwhile trying to find another therapist anyway, if yours is going on maternity leave so soon. But in the meantime, ask her if you are able to have some phone sessions whilst you are away? The hotels where you are staying might have a meeting room or business centre where you would be able to have a private phone call.
    5. In terms of worrying about the house, it would not be too late to organize some contents insurance! At least this way you know you would be covered, and if you can’t really afford the cost of the insurance for the whole year, perhaps you could cancel after a month’s payment (I am not sure about this tactic, but it is worth a try?)
    6. re your family – if they can’t get their act together and you don’t spend much time with them whilst visiting, next time they ask why you haven’t visited, or when they will see you, just tell them that you did visit from x to y date, and that you tried to catch up with them, but they were too busy. Invite them to your city for a visit in the future (but don’t invite them to stay with you, whatever you do!)

    I know it is easy for me as an outside to give suggestions about what you can do, and that you might have thought of all of these options, but I hope there is some helpful advice in there for you.

    Good luck and enjoy the holiday! Are you taking some of your cameras with you?

  2. I have the same sort of symptoms when I eat gluten – is that something you also might have an adverse reaction to? Might be worth cutting that out of your diet for a little while and see how you feel.

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