I have always dreamed of being able to run. But as I headed into the teenage years my ankles constantly ached. My dad was adamant I was faking it and “proved it” by having an xray of my ankles…which of course showed no injury. Then as I grew older I discovered, of course, I had a lot less fitness than the kids who could run. So I found myself using “I have my period” as an excuse for PE … every single week. I was terribly uncoordinated … so I really struggled with ball sports. Then add in the fact that the students picked the teams and I just couldn’t get into PE/Sport.
I would consider myself the sort to not play well with others. I think I am a nice enough person and cope ok with one-on-one situations, but I am not the biggest fan of groups. Then add in the fact that I have little patience and (according to the CAT team…who are right) “poor impulse control” so I don’t necessarily like to train with others. If I am going to exercise I want it to be on my terms, my pace, my timing ect. The 12WBT forums are filled with meet ups for big group exercises and training buddies and for a moment I considered it. After all with all the shit going on in my life I could always use an extra friend right? But I decided against it as when I first started the program I was on upside down sleep cycles and was walking impulsively at midnight…I don’t think many people would appreciate a call after 11pm asking if they wanted to go for a walk in the rain.
Which brings me back to running. It doesn’t require a partner. It doesn’t require me to show up at xx gym and pay xx dollars and xx time. I can literally put on my runners and pop in my headphones and be out the door in 3 minutes. If I feel like running but the girls dad has to leave in 25 minutes I can go and do 20 minutes…no “oh well I can’t fit in a trip to the gym, a class, then coming home”. I love it. Walking is the same thing…but I want to run.
I have four general types of nightmare:
- Dinosaurs (Jurassic park type stuff…I am thirty and I still have these)
- Being around/near my abuser or finding him near my daughters (I was sexually abused when I was 12)…this one can see me wake up screaming
- The girls father doing something horrible (so far the worst was I dreamt he was having an affair with a 15yo male prostitute with aids…and he was sleeping with me too also giving me aids…I threw him out of the house for that one…for something I made up in my own subconscious)
- Needing to scream and nothing coming out or needing to run away and not being able to
And so running has literally become a dream to me. I want so badly to be able to run and run and run. Sometimes I could make the bus…if I ran, and I just shrug, turn around and go home til the next one (a full forty minutes to eighty minutes later in my suburb). Somedays I do run…for maybe 10-15 seconds. Then I almost throw up. I wheeze loudly. I cough. It’s really horrible.
A few years ago I got all hyped up about running and downloaded an mp3 running program to listen to. I made it halfway through day one. I was running through my suburb in a place that had no houses (we are a developing suburb) and I noticed this van following me. When the guy stopped, got out and came toward me I ran all the way home. I now think he was lost and was going to ask for directions…but it was dark and I was a chicken….but come to think of it that would make a great running program as I really did sprint the six odd blocks home.
As times have changed that running program now is an app. Actually there are multiple apps of the same sort. Mine is the “ease into 5km” by Bluefin apps. It is an 8 week interval program that has you warm up (walk) for five minutes, then alternates short periods of running (as short as 30 seconds) with recovery periods of walking in between. Followed by a five minute walk/cool down at the end. It is designed to be done three times a week and each week the runs get longer and the recovery period gets shorter…supposedly allowing you to build up to a straight 5km run.
I am terribly unfit. The first day I ran the maximum heart rate that I recorded was a whopping 198bpm. In just a week my fitness has improved so much that I can’t get past 180bpm even when running my little heart out. I might point out here that I am carrying a lot of extra weight and I have been in bed for two years. My doctor has said my heart rate spike is totally fine as long as it doesn’t stay there for long periods of time. It is all part of going from unfit…to fit (hopefully one day soon). But I have no blood pressure issues, no heart issues and apart from my diabetes which is currently in “remission” all that is wrong with me is that I am unfit and overweight. Please don’t go out there and give yourself a heart attack just because I reached that particular bpm…talk to your own doctor before starting any exercise plan…because quite frankly, I have nothing worth suing over *wink*
I am absolutely loving the program. I was really upset the other day because it was pouring rain and I couldn’t go for a run. I did a high intensity cardio dvd and burned way more than I would have on my running program…but I still didn’t feel “right”. Maybe it is the combination of exercise and fresh air. Maybe it is the actually moving forward. I don’t know what it is…but I love it. I have done four runs now. I repeated day one and day two of week one twice each because I am taking it slow. I love that my app lets me play my favourite running tunes, tells me when to start running, start walking and when I have reached half way. It also tells me when my last run is and I really push myself that last one. It also has GPS so it tells me how far I ran/walked as well as what my fasted walk time and run time was. I also run the nike+app in the background as the program only goes for 20-25 minutes and afterwards I like a good long walk. The nike+ app gives me a notice for each km I walk/run along with my current time it is taking me per kilometre. The “ease into 5km” switches its GPS and monitoring off at the end of the program so that is why I have the second one.
At the moment my running is more like an 80yo shuffling along with a walking frame…but I don’t care. I love that sometimes I am so focused (and not dying) that I am totally surprised when it tells me I can walk again. One day I will be one of those girls you see out running. Perfect form, pony tail swishing from side to side and not breaking a sweat. Until then stay downwind of me.